THIS OLD MAN / TWIGGLE TOES HORNPIPE

Baby was the queen of darts 
I could really play pool 
She was a queen and I was thirty-two 
And we was still in the school 

(KEVIN)
You weren't playing

(WAYNE)
Now Kevin 
He didn't like it b'y 
You're going to have to try again

(KEVIN)
No

(KEVIN)
Go on Johnny

(WAYNE)
Tis wasn't impressed

(WAYNE)
No sir

(KEVIN)
You want something totally different than that 
Do ya

(WAYNE)
Give her another one 
Give her another one

Uncle Arnold's old bowels have moved once again 
Though he's still haven trouble passing water 
He takes big pots of tea just to make him pee 
And his stomach ain't working like it oughta 

(KEVIN)
How's that Ray?

(RAY)
It's worse

(KEVIN)
Worse

(WAYNE)
Try again Kevin

(KEVIN)
I know what he's after

(WAYNE)
Wha


(KEVIN)
Simple music 
Ordinary

(WAYNE)
Straight forward 
Bang
Go

(KEVIN)
I
I got her now 
Come on
You just drive her once more
Come on

This old man 
He's got one 
Johnson motor on the bum 
Nick tells Pat 
"Give thing a wack
This old this won't get us home" 
This old man 
He's got two 
His spare motor is Evinrude 
Nick says Pat 
"Give the cord a pull" 
And the motor joints just come unglued

Well this old man haven't got three 
Clues about trouble mechanically
Nick says Pat
"He should get him sparked" 
"Don't go says Nick 
Can't see in the dark" 
This old man 
He got four 
He got two motors and he got two oars 
Nick says Peg 
"Get out your oar locks" 
But Nick finds out that they got them lost

Well this old man 
He's got five 
Five old flares 
But near one lights 
Nick says Pat 
"Replace them when you should 
And you won't wind up with your flares no good" 
This old man 
He saved six 
Waterproof matches for when he's in the fix 
Nick says Pat 
"Strike up a light 
Tis not that bright in the middle of the night"

Well this old man 
He had seven
Inches of hose 
Where he needs eleven 
Nick says Pat 
"Here's what's wrong 
The hose is chopped 
All gas is gone" 
This old man 
He had eight 
Gallons of gas 
But it all escaped 
Nick says Pat 
"Here's what's wrong 
Your hose is chopped 
All your gas is gone"

Well this old man 
Don't have nine 
Lives because he's not feline 
When Nick told Pat
To strike up a light 
Nick and Pat was blown out of sight
One old man 
He went ten 
Miles and landed home again 
But where is Pat 
He's on the other shore 
He won't get home
With his Johnson outboard
Two, three, four

(MUSICAL INTERLUDE)